WARNING: EXPLICIT AND SENSITIVE INFORMATION.
Assalamu Alaykum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh,
All praise and gratitude are due to Allah SWT. May the blessings and peace of Allah SWT be upon His Messenger PBUH.
Let’s talk about the bedroom, the halal way…
Sex is often misunderstood to only mean ‘intercourse (or penetrative sex)’. While this is the major part of it, all forms of non-penetrative acts during intimacy between spouses are also sex.
Before spouses have their first sexual intercourse together, the absolute first things to remember and be prepared to practice are taking it slow, gentleness, care, and communication. This is especially true for brides whose experience is her first time.
The second, is for both spouses to gain at least the basic knowledge about how the male and female sexual organs and body work. The more knowledge you have the better you will both know what to expect, and it will give you a good head start to have a more pleasurable and enjoyable experience, InshaAllah.
Regarding sexual pleasure, Allah said: “You husbands are like garments for your wives, and they are like garments for you” [Qur’an 2:187], meaning that spouses protect each other from indecency and sinful behaviour by fulfilling each other’s sexual pleasures around their entire body like the way clothing touches and covers one’s entire body.
Regarding gentleness and care, the Prophet PBUH said, “Gentleness and kindness beautifies anything it is applied to, and where it is not applied it makes it ugly and undesirable.” [Sahih Muslim 45:100].
Here are the recommended Islamic etiquettes for spouses on the first night of marriage, “in the bedroom”:
1. Relax and do not be afraid or anxious, by reminding yourself that sex is a very natural thing, and everything will fall into place naturally. The male and female sexual body and organs are built by Allah to adapt and guide you in the process, mentally, emotionally, and physically all the way. Especially for the bride, there is nothing to fear, and I advise our sisters to not listen to the exaggerations of others who claim that ‘losing her virginity’ in first time sex is going to be very painful, exhausting, or other frightening encounters. For sisters who are experiencing fears about this topic, here is a good article to put your minds at ease. What has been natural in humans for millions of years cannot be harmful, but healthy and good for you. Most doctors and health experts confirm this and say that 90% of first timers fail to get the pleasurable experience, not because sex itself is displeasurable or that there is a physical problem in you, but rather due to falsely perceived fears and anxieties about sex or because they are exhausted and tired from the long day.
2. Do not make it a priority to have sexual intercourse (or penetrative sex) or the expectation of penetrating the hymenin the first night, especially if the bride has never had sex before (we will explain more on the ‘hymen’ topic further down in this response). There is nothing wrong with resting that night, or just ‘experimenting together’ and delaying intercourse attempts together till the next day or next night. In fact, it is okay to take it slow with penetration even up to a week or more.
3. Before commencing, it is a sunnah to make wudhu and pray a 2 rak’a voluntary prayer together. This is discussed by Ibn Abi Shaybah in al-Musannaf [3/402] & at-Tabarni in al-Mu’jam al-Kabeer [9/204].
4. It is a sunnah to have something enjoyable to drink together.
5. It is a sunnah for the groom to place his right hand gently over his bride’s forehead and recite the following du’a: “O Allah, I ask You for her good and the good of what You have created in her, and I seek refuge with You from any evil.” [Abu Dawood 2160].
6. Just before intercourse, it is a sunnah to say: “O Allah, keep the Shaytan away from us and keep the Shaytan away from (any child) you grant us.” [Bukhari, hadeeth no. 141 & Muslim, hadeeth no. 1434]. It is best to say this du’a before spouses are completely unclothed, and if they forget, it is still ok to say it when completely unclothed, according to the elected opinion among some scholars.
7. Do not eat too much before intercourse, but maintaining a healthy diet and exercise plays a significant role in your sex life as time goes on, inshaAllah.
8. It is advisable that both spouses take a shower, smell pleasant and look pleasant for the other spouse. Removal of pubic hairs in the private area and armpits is a sunnah, cleaner, and should not go beyond 40 days of growth. Also, cutting nails and trimming the moustache.
9. Next, talk. Use compliments, hold hands, hug, and kiss. Focus on each other and clear your minds from everything else. Communicate with your partner what makes them comfortable and work together. It will naturally develop and become more exciting as you go, inshaAllah.
10. Next, ‘Foreplay’. Do not jump straight into intercourse (penetrative sex). The longer the foreplay the more ready the wife will be, the less the irritation will be for her and more enjoyable it will eventually become. Although the Ahadeeth which talk about foreplay, are all graded weak in their transmission, the scholars unanimously agree that foreplay is at least ‘mustahabb (recommended act)’, due to the number of hadeeth with this meaning. This is something which is considered common sense and part of the ‘fitra’ (pure nature) of every human.
11. Be creative with foreplay. Communicate with your spouse on what makes them feel comfortable. Start with light acts such as complimenting, holding hands, kissing, light touches, hugging and caressing, massaging, and make your way slowly to becoming more sensual in talk and acts. You will both get hints on when is the best moment to start penetrative intercourse.
– Sensual and ‘dirty’ talk: it is permissible to use such language for the purpose of arousing and exciting each other. The only note scholars have added is that it is not demeaning, abusive or denigrating to the spouse, which is forbidden and can lead to the break-up of one’s marriage, let alone destroy the pleasure of sex. Other sensual/dirty talk can be worked out by communicating to each other on what they feel comfortable with or not. Respect and consideration to the feelings of each other goes without saying. The evidence for permissibility in sensual/dirty talk during sexual intimacy between spouses is in the word ‘rafath (sensual/dirty talk)’ in the Quran [2:187]. These are words considered indecent to say in public or to others but permitted in privacy between a married couple during sex.
– Oral sex: whether by the husband or by the wife. There is no clear text in the Quran or Sunnah which explicitly forbids oral sex between a married couple. It is considered by majority of scholars as permissible ‘mubah’. However, some noted that it is better to avoid it due to the possibility of impurities secreted by the female or male genitals and entering one’s throat and possible STIs. I would advise that couples communicate with each other on this because some may feel comfortable with it and others may feel anxiety or negative feelings. I advise couples to discuss these matters with their spouse before introducing oral sex into their relationship, and to read about it in medical articles to see what best suits them.
12. Islam has allowed everything in sex. Whatever is pleasurable to both husband and wife is permitted. The entire body is permitted. Every position is permitted and trying different positions in encouraged in Islam. The Sahabah did it and so did our Islamic predecessors. The only two acts which are explicitly forbidden and considered major sins are: – Intercourse through the anus, including orally [Quran 2:223].- Intercourse during the wife’s menstrual period [Quran 2:222].
13. Intercourse/Penetrative Sex(especially for a virgin wife): Take it slowly and communicate all the way. Penetrating too early or too quickly will cause pain to your wife, especially for a virgin. Virgins may be extra anxious and can feel a bit of pain at first, and for the first few days/weeks. Each woman is different.In order to minimize the pain and achieve greater pleasure, experts advise the following, which agrees with the Islamic teachings:- Use a good quality lubricant (over the counter in pharmacies)– Take time in foreplay. Discover which parts of your wife’s body arouse her more.– Try different positions.– Place a pillow under the wife’s lower back or rear– Penetration can be done over a period of a few days/nights, not necessarily first night and does not need to be a full penetration immediately.– For a virgin bride, place a warm heat pack or cold pack on the private organ if she feels a little pain. Any pain resides completely within an hour to a couples of hours.– For a virgin bride, give her a rest from intercourse till the next day or when she feels better and ready to try again.– While having intercourse, continue with other foreplay actions simultaneously.– Stop if your spouse is in pain.– Even if intercourse is not achieved at first, the husband and wife may continue in other ways to satisfy their sexual urges and pleasures. The matter is open-ended and flexible. – For the husband, stay beside her after intercourse and continue to comfort her in the way she feels comforts her.
14. It is important to know that the woman take anywhere between 11 minutes to 20 minutes on average to reach climax/orgasm, according to majority of studies. According to many studies, for men, it can vary from 2 minutes to 7 minutes on average to climax/ejaculate. However, the overall range is wide and could get to over half an hour for some men and women. There are several known techniques to prolong the experience, including other factors which help partners repeat intercourse shortly after climax/ejaculation.
A recommended ‘classical’ book on this topic is: ‘Tuhfatul-‘arous – The Bride’s Gift/Boon’ by Mahmoud Al-Istanbuli.
15. The issue of the ‘hymen’ in virgins:
Many Muslims, and cultural pressures, hold the belief that a virgin girl is determined by her hymen being intact or the presence of blood at intercourse. Islam does not stipulate this determination. A virgin girl is determined by whether she has had sexual intercourse or not. Some virgin women do not necessarily bleed during their first intercourse, others may have had their hymen stretched or perforated during their lives for many natural factors such as strenuous exercise, heavy sports, riding a horse for long periods of time or other normal day to day activities. Many women cannot feel whether their hymen has stretched or perforated during their lifetime. Some women’s hymen may never ‘break’ until they give birth. Intercourse by itself may not break the hymen but instead, may stretch it. For this reason, it is important to understand that in some cases, couples may fear that either there is a physical problem in the wife or assume that she has had haram relationships before. I advise couples to talk about their lifestyles beforehand (preferably during the engagement period), and research about this topic.
And Allah Knows Best.